I’m here today, publishing my first-ever Slice of Life post, begrudgingly. Yes, begrudgingly. Some may visualize a cartoon character being pushed down a dirt road with their heels dug in, whilst forming clouds of dust in their wake when they think of the word “begrudgingly.” Wow, that’s quite an image; I wonder why she’s being so negative on Day 1?, you think to yourself. Well, truth be told, I have pondered the same question. An excerpt of my cyclical thought process is as follows:
Do I love to write? Absolutely! After all, the act of writing, and the feedback I received from past educators about my writing, is one of the many reasons I am an educator today.
Has it been a 2020 intention of mine to consistently write AND begin publishing my writing? You bet! I’ve been thinking about this goal for YEARS and found so many ways to not prioritize it.
Did I know my inaugural Slice of Life post deadline was nearing for many weeks now? Absolutely. As soon as I received an email from a colleague urging me to participate, I immediately signed up. Then, I casually browsed many of my fellow colleagues’ past Slice of Life posts and was simultaneously in awe of their writing brains and horrified that I could not rise to their level of awesome writing.
So why is she here begrudgingly if she doesn’t want to be and didn’t plan for it?, you may ask with a furrowed brow and a creased forehead lines that don’t seem to dissipate now that you are in your thirties.
The answer is… Anxiety. It’s as simple as that. You see, my faux-friend Anxiety and their friend Avoidance were telling me a story for many years and, more recently, weeks. “You can’t write. Other teachers won’t want to read your writing. If you do write, your writing will never be as powerful as your colleagues’ writing. You have nothing to write about. You can just leave the SoL challenge and no one will notice.” While the narrative is geared toward writing in this case, it’s always the same message: You can’t do it, you won’t do it, you will fail if you try. Whether it is fortunate or not, Anxiety has been along for my ride of life for more years than I care to admit. While there are plenty of times I wish she would calm down, I can appreciate her occasional manipulative motivation. She can try to stand in my way on that dirt road all she wants, but I often find that she can also be the one who is pushing me to do better, heels dug in and all.
